Here we are again, the time of year for holiday parties and decorations, get togethers, the scramble for gifts and cozying up to our favorite holiday movie. All of the painful reminders that we will not be making new holiday memories with our loved ones who have passed. It is also when we wrap up one year and prepare for another. The coming of a new year, one where our loved one will not be joining us, is in and of itself, a tremendous challenge.
How can we support ourselves and honor the ones we miss during this time?
Whether this is your first holiday without your beloved or your 20th, it is never too late to consciously grieve. As long as we live, we will grieve them. Keep in mind that each year you may need something different.
As many of you may know, I lost my little brother June 2019. This experience continues to teach me, open my heart, and support my purpose. I have sat down to jot down some of things that have supported me and my family through the now almost 3 holiday seasons we have had to endure without him. These are also coping tools my grieving clients have taught me. Some research has shown me that these 4 coping skills are pretty aligned with what other grief experts are bringing to the table in the topic of grief and the holidays. These coping skills can also be supportive during any holiday, birthday, or special occasion.
1) Make a plan
Even if you change your plan or do not carry out your plan at all, it can still be useful to create a plan. Perhaps it supports your grieving heart to write it out. Writing out a plan can help curb anxiety or fear that might be coming up surrounding the holidays. Some grievers need a completely new setting or a trip out of town. Others feel more secure participating in familiar activities. For some, it is a combination of both!
Some items to contemplate:
What holiday traditions speak to you this year
What holiday traditions can you not face this year
Are there any new traditions you want to create? A new tradition can be focused on honoring and remembering a loved one, or simply something you can look forward to that feels like a sigh of relief
Activity ideas for grieving hearts during marked times in the year:
Acts of kindness: bake cookies for a neighbor (anonymously if you would like), donate to a charity in your loved ones name, write letters of appreciation to friends and family, or anything else that inspires you
Light a candle and/or have a photo present at meals or holiday events
Gift small memento’s to friends and family that remind them of your loved one
Book an appointment with a recommended medium/psychic healer
2) Leave space
Leave room this holiday season in your schedule for your grief or to just be. This might seem strange but as you might already know, grief can come on suddenly and unexpectedly at times. Leaving space can be helpful to just rest. Grief can be so depleting to our energy reserves. In addition, if you find yourself in a large group unable to feel your grief in the moment, you might be comforted to know you have left yourself some time to revisit the feelings if need be. Perhaps this space is set aside to evoke those feelings by looking at photos of your loved one, listening to music, or journaling about memories. Open space can also just be time to be alone or with 1-2 trusted others. Give yourself permission to: cry, have fun, laugh, reminiscence, talk about your loved one, leave when you need, DO what you need to.
3) Express your needs
It is possible that your family and friends would be honored to know what it is you need and how they can comfort you. Whether it be during the holidays or any other time. If you can name your needs and it feels right, share them! Express your desires with your close ones so that they can support you during special occasions and so that you do not harbor unnecessary resentment.
4) Self-care
I have personally found that when I have engaged in even the most simplest acts of self-care I can handle grief with more grace. When I feel taken care of, I have the energy to feel my feelings and the ability to engage in the present moment where my life is happening. Leave time before, during, and after the holidays to engage in activities that leave you feeling nourished and taken care of. Keep it simple (or make it lavish!), and realistic. Some acts of self-care:
walks
naps
time in nature
rest: laying down and closing your eyes, putting your legs up the wall or chair, or simply looking out the window
meditation and body scans (insight timer is my favorite app for this!)
massage: with a massage therapist, your partner, or self-massage
baths
yoga
exercise
anything that leaves your cup full
Give yourself permission this holiday season to GRIEVE, talk about your loved one, laugh, cry, have fun, or all of the above
Sending you lots of love and support,
Amy