Fortify your inner world to cope with your Outer. A post on the importance of honoring the little "griefs" of our lives.

You may have noticed...

Grief work is my passion. I do not experience Grief as always sad or always dark. It is my passion because when we engage in the task of grief, it is life-giving. 

When we can endure the emotions, memories, and sensations that arrive in grief, we can become more engaged in life.

It is my passion because I have seen first hand and have experienced it myself, that when we can go to the darkness of our grief, we become refreshed and renewed and primed for what is truly meant for us.

From there we can then experience Joy and Presence in a way that may not have been available before.

I am not just talking about the tremendous pain of loosing someone we love. I am also talking about the many ways we might miss the opportunity to grieve in daily life:
The completion of a T.V show, a new job (even if it is welcomed!), a friend moving away, etc.

I can give a personal example.

Right now, I am in my third trimester and preparing to welcome a new baby into our lives. This is of course a very exciting and special time that I am so blessed to be able to experience...

When a sense of melancholy arrives, I am able to explore and feel this sadness without the guilt or the need to bypass and only be in the Joy of this experience. 

I have been able to recognize the grief that comes with growing, birthing, and raising another beautiful being. 

I know how that sounds...

So hear me out...

I have become aware of the anticipatory grief that comes with no longer having most of time and attention focused on my first baby.
I have become aware of the grief that comes with my body changing again, with loosing mobility and yoga practices I love, the grief that comes with new medical needs and integrating them into my daily life.
I have become aware of the grief that comes with how ripped open my heart will become again with the Love of another being.

In my experience, this incredibly beautiful and terrifying kind of attachment is life changing and personality altering. 

So much of me will shed again to welcome this new life. There is so much grief and beauty in that. I am sure there is something in your life that contains this duality.

Here is the thing, whether or not I chose to acknowledge the mini griefs that I am carrying, they will be there.
So by allowing myself to feel, cry, talk, journal about them - they begin to move through me and their grasp loosens.
I feel lighter and more free. I feel ready to engage in this season of my life even more by bringing to light what needed to be seen and felt. 

To engage in the task of grieving we need to feel safe. I hope you can give yourself grace and compassion if feeling your grief is a task you are not yet up for. It can be scary and sometimes we need help. A practice that gives stability and security to our inner world is key.

It is my life's work to guide this process in others. It is my biggest privilege to witness others naturally come to a place where they access their feelings for the capital G grief in their life and all the little griefs. It is such a blessing to then witness them make space for what is true and real for them.

Francis Weller says it well:

"For us to tolerate the rigors of engaging the images, emotions, memories, and dreams that arise in times of grief, we need to fortif your inner ground. This is done through developing a practice that we sustain over time. Any form will do - writing, drawing, meditation, prayer, yoga, dance, or something else."

Grief is act of devotion, rooted in love and compassion.

I am sending you big love and compassion as you navigate your big and small griefs - 

Amy

Four Ideas for Coping with Grief & the Holidays

Here we are again, the time of year for holiday parties and decorations, get togethers, the scramble for gifts and cozying up to our favorite holiday movie. All of the painful reminders that we will not be making new holiday memories with our loved ones who have passed. It is also when we wrap up one year and prepare for another. The coming of a new year, one where our loved one will not be joining us, is in and of itself, a tremendous challenge.

How can we support ourselves and honor the ones we miss during this time?

Whether this is your first holiday without your beloved or your 20th, it is never too late to consciously grieve. As long as we live, we will grieve them. Keep in mind that each year you may need something different.

As many of you may know, I lost my little brother June 2019. This experience continues to teach me, open my heart, and support my purpose. I have sat down to jot down some of things that have supported me and my family through the now almost 3 holiday seasons we have had to endure without him. These are also coping tools my grieving clients have taught me. Some research has shown me that these 4 coping skills are pretty aligned with what other grief experts are bringing to the table in the topic of grief and the holidays. These coping skills can also be supportive during any holiday, birthday, or special occasion.

1) Make a plan

Even if you change your plan or do not carry out your plan at all, it can still be useful to create a plan. Perhaps it supports your grieving heart to write it out. Writing out a plan can help curb anxiety or fear that might be coming up surrounding the holidays. Some grievers need a completely new setting or a trip out of town. Others feel more secure participating in familiar activities. For some, it is a combination of both!

Some items to contemplate:

• What holiday traditions speak to you this year

• What holiday traditions can you not face this year

• Are there any new traditions you want to create? A new tradition can be focused on honoring and remembering a loved one, or simply something you can look forward to that feels like a sigh of relief

  Activity ideas for grieving hearts during marked times in the year:

  • Acts of kindness: bake cookies for a neighbor (anonymously if you would like), donate to a charity in your loved ones name, write letters of appreciation to friends and family, or anything else that inspires you

  • Light a candle and/or have a photo present at meals or holiday events

  • Gift small memento’s to friends and family that remind them of your loved one

  • Book an appointment with a recommended medium/psychic healer

2) Leave space

Leave room this holiday season in your schedule for your grief or to just be. This might seem strange but as you might already know, grief can come on suddenly and unexpectedly at times. Leaving space can be helpful to just rest. Grief can be so depleting to our energy reserves. In addition, if you find yourself in a large group unable to feel your grief in the moment, you might be comforted to know you have left yourself some time to revisit the feelings if need be. Perhaps this space is set aside to evoke those feelings by looking at photos of your loved one, listening to music, or journaling about memories. Open space can also just be time to be alone or with 1-2 trusted others. Give yourself permission to: cry, have fun, laugh, reminiscence, talk about your loved one, leave when you need, DO what you need to.

3) Express your needs

It is possible that your family and friends would be honored to know what it is you need and how they can comfort you. Whether it be during the holidays or any other time. If you can name your needs and it feels right, share them! Express your desires with your close ones so that they can support you during special occasions and so that you do not harbor unnecessary resentment.

4) Self-care

I have personally found that when I have engaged in even the most simplest acts of self-care I can handle grief with more grace. When I feel taken care of, I have the energy to feel my feelings and the ability to engage in the present moment where my life is happening. Leave time before, during, and after the holidays to engage in activities that leave you feeling nourished and taken care of. Keep it simple (or make it lavish!), and realistic. Some acts of self-care:

• walks

• naps

• time in nature

• rest: laying down and closing your eyes, putting your legs up the wall or chair, or simply looking out the window

• meditation and body scans (insight timer is my favorite app for this!)

• massage: with a massage therapist, your partner, or self-massage

• baths

• yoga

• exercise

• anything that leaves your cup full

Give yourself permission this holiday season to GRIEVE, talk about your loved one, laugh, cry, have fun, or all of the above

Sending you lots of love and support,

Amy

Global Grief & the benefit of Self-Study

What I know about the grieving experience is that you often don’t realize the extent of its effect on your life until it's pointed out to you or you take the time to observe. At the time I am writing this it is April 2020, and we are in the midst of a global pandemic. It is also a time whether we are aware of it or not, that we are facing Global Grief. Grief happens as a result of the loss of anything or anyone we are attached to. In my experience with grief and any other human emotion or experience, is that acknowledgement softens the blow. When I can acknowledge that I am in pain, and not resist it, then my suffering lessons, a bit. This is not my own self-discovery. The roots of my perspective begin with the yogic principle of “Swadhaya” or self-study/self-observance. It is the practice of observing the self: emotions/mind/feelings/physical body. The key is to observe the self without judgement.  An example: I am observing the pain in my upper back. I am observing I feel angry. I am observing I feel angry and recognizing beneath the anger is a lack of control. The latter being a bit more nuanced in our “observing”. Through this observation, the yogis say, we get to know the “Seer”, the one who observes, the higher Self. How does this support us now?

I believe many of us are tumbling around these past few weeks (or months) unaware of our grief. We might be expecting to react “business as usual”, maintaining routines or setting new ones, beginning new projects or endeavours, perhaps expecting to do something transformative! I know I did. If this is you and it is going well - great! I am not here to discourage you. If you found that at some point during this experience you were completely exhausted, burnt out, sad, unmotivated, agitated, distracted, numb sleeping a lot or too little, the list goes on - I am hoping this post softens the blow for you, and you acknowledge that you may be in some way affected by this Global grief, if not directly, indirectly. 

Are you not as productive as you hoped? Maybe you’re forgetting conversations that happened or misplacing things in your home. Perhaps you feel an intense need for withdrawal, or the contrary - to be surrounded by people. 

Just the other day I went to look for an important document in my file cabinet that in my “right” mind would have been correctly filed and placed where I could find it easily. The thing is, I put it away sometime this last summer, when I was deep in the throes of grief over my brother. So needless to say, it’s nowhere to be found. I look back at those times and I was giving myself time to grieve but another part of me had my foot in the world, trying to stay in the loop. I made many silly mistakes, I didn’t feel like myself. Sometimes I still don’t. My whole being was consumed in grief. Of course I was forgetful, confused, unproductive.

Some days I would numb out, preferring to be distracted from the pain, watch netflix, neglect my Yoga practice. I had to do that for a period of time, to cope, to get through. If this is you and you desire change but just cannot begin - my advice would be to try to stop shaming yourself first. Do your best to release the shame of what you are doing, or how you are acting in order to cope and instead treat yourself like you would a dear friend, a beloved, a child, a pet. In order to do this you first must acknowledge and observe your actions/reactions. Do your best to simply observe where you are at. You can ask yourself:

Are you sad/anger/confused/scared/lonely today or in this moment?

What makes you feel better?

What makes you feel worse?

What brings you some peace?

What were you doing when you felt totally present?

If we do not stop to observe and ask, we miss the opportunity to really know ourselves in these hard times. I invite you to get to know yourself in “sickness and health”, in happiness and sadness, in grief and in love. This is the practice of Swadhaya - self-study. It is a spiritual process, the biggest gift to not only ourselves, but the world at large. When we get to know ourselves we pave the way for others to do the same.

When we know ourselves, we know what our triggers are, we know when we need some space, we know when we need to reach out for support. There comes a time when we might feel that nudge to shift, to begin to invite healing. When that time comes and we have gotten to know ourselves, we may be guided to the paths of healing that suit us best; Yoga, Private Yoga Therapy, Holistic medicine, Medication, Therapy, reaching out to friends/family, exercise, nature, getting a pet, etc.

As we grieve together in this crisis, how much do you wish you could go walk into your Yoga studio and smell the scent of oils or incense and be in that moment like nothing else mattered. How badly do you want to sit with your loved one that you're not quarantined with and hug them and listen to them and watch them speak, in the flesh. How about these moments now: your time alone, or your time in nature, or with your work, or with your children. How present are you now? Are you truly seeing it for what it is. Have you given yourself space so that you are able to? 

So the invite is simple - not easy, to be aware, to observe. To practice seeing - really seeing; yourself and the world around you. Closing your eyes and observing your inner self. Try practice observing first with no decisions or conclusions, or solutions. Just open eyes and open heart. When years go by and you look back on these tough times, it could be a blur and that would be OK - or it could be a time where you gathered useful information about you, your inner workings, a time you really observed and were awake and alive. Yes - alive- after all, suffering is what binds us earthlings.

{{ Sending prayers to those who are sick, who lost a loved one, who are worried, who are in situations that don’t allow for the opportunity for self-observation, who are busy working keeping our planet going, and more - I see you <3}}

Best wishes,

Amy

Grief Pondering's

Yoga Sutra Contemplation: Through sincere and consistent effort the practice of Yoga provides: 

“Identification of oneself as living within the infinite stream of life” Sutra 11.47

This is my deepest hearts desire at this time
~

Summers bright and warming sun is turning into cool fall evenings, a transition we go through every year. This year, in my current experience, this transition is a bit more heavy and complicated. 

June 8 2019 I married an amazing man, we went on our honeymoon & just 10 short days later, I lost my little brother suddenly on June 18th 2019. My wedding and the beautiful memories I have of him and our family will always be the last moments I had with Justin.

It was almost 4 months ago. So this fall has been very transitional for many reasons. I struggle with the change because I realize he was here for summer, but he is not coming with us in the fall.

The first 2 months of my mourning I spent sleeping and weeping and isolating. My grief manifested as extreme exhaustion. Most of the time I did not want to hear about healing and for a bit there I thought it best if I never do. I help others heal and inner growth is not only a career, is it the way I live my life. So this was out of character. I knew enough to hold space for myself as grief settled into my bones.

I felt that this dark gaping hole was my new home and I liked it that way. All the while, another part of me knew that I will climb out of this with more awareness and growth then ever. I am still shedding and growing, always. One thing is certain, the path is not linear. There are just as many set backs are their are growth spurts.
My brother is apart of me, and my heart is utterly shattered. I am learning how to continue to have a relationship with him & the divine, wherever he is now. 

What I am experiencing now that I am crawling out of the debilitating period of my grief - is a new found lense for life. One I thought I already had. However, it turns out I haven’t scratched the surface. This lense allows me to see the bigger picture and soak up the little moments where I used to be inpatient, waiting for what comes next. It invites me to open my eyes, look around, and soak up this earth -a very very temporary home. 
The questions: Why are we here? Why am I here? What is this for? What is my hearts deepest longing? Are all apart of my daily contemplations. 
 I don’t know if I will get the exact answer for these questions but the ask is enough for now.

I have found I am more present and that I choose to make space for only what is meaningful for me. I am finding it is more natural to be vulnerable and speak from the heart. I place a higher priority on soaking up the beautiful pieces and people of my life that God has still left for myself and my family, because if I don’t fully embrace them, why else have I been chosen to remain with the living? What could be more important during our time of living, if Love is simply the only thing that matters in the end?  I choose more then ever to not allow a joyful moment to just pass by as if it isn’t the most important thing there is in this world. Love really is all that matters, it is the glue between this world and where we go after. What if that is our only purpose? To love and be loved. To learn to love oneself and offer our authentic gifts to our little corners of this planet. It can be as simple as baking someone something, adding light into the life of a stranger, helping out a friend, etc. Our authentic gifts do not always present as big passion projects. 

All for now..

Soak it up<3

Amy