What I know about the grieving experience is that you often don’t realize the extent of its effect on your life until it's pointed out to you or you take the time to observe. At the time I am writing this it is April 2020, and we are in the midst of a global pandemic. It is also a time whether we are aware of it or not, that we are facing Global Grief. Grief happens as a result of the loss of anything or anyone we are attached to. In my experience with grief and any other human emotion or experience, is that acknowledgement softens the blow. When I can acknowledge that I am in pain, and not resist it, then my suffering lessons, a bit. This is not my own self-discovery. The roots of my perspective begin with the yogic principle of “Swadhaya” or self-study/self-observance. It is the practice of observing the self: emotions/mind/feelings/physical body. The key is to observe the self without judgement. An example: I am observing the pain in my upper back. I am observing I feel angry. I am observing I feel angry and recognizing beneath the anger is a lack of control. The latter being a bit more nuanced in our “observing”. Through this observation, the yogis say, we get to know the “Seer”, the one who observes, the higher Self. How does this support us now?
I believe many of us are tumbling around these past few weeks (or months) unaware of our grief. We might be expecting to react “business as usual”, maintaining routines or setting new ones, beginning new projects or endeavours, perhaps expecting to do something transformative! I know I did. If this is you and it is going well - great! I am not here to discourage you. If you found that at some point during this experience you were completely exhausted, burnt out, sad, unmotivated, agitated, distracted, numb sleeping a lot or too little, the list goes on - I am hoping this post softens the blow for you, and you acknowledge that you may be in some way affected by this Global grief, if not directly, indirectly.
Are you not as productive as you hoped? Maybe you’re forgetting conversations that happened or misplacing things in your home. Perhaps you feel an intense need for withdrawal, or the contrary - to be surrounded by people.
Just the other day I went to look for an important document in my file cabinet that in my “right” mind would have been correctly filed and placed where I could find it easily. The thing is, I put it away sometime this last summer, when I was deep in the throes of grief over my brother. So needless to say, it’s nowhere to be found. I look back at those times and I was giving myself time to grieve but another part of me had my foot in the world, trying to stay in the loop. I made many silly mistakes, I didn’t feel like myself. Sometimes I still don’t. My whole being was consumed in grief. Of course I was forgetful, confused, unproductive.
Some days I would numb out, preferring to be distracted from the pain, watch netflix, neglect my Yoga practice. I had to do that for a period of time, to cope, to get through. If this is you and you desire change but just cannot begin - my advice would be to try to stop shaming yourself first. Do your best to release the shame of what you are doing, or how you are acting in order to cope and instead treat yourself like you would a dear friend, a beloved, a child, a pet. In order to do this you first must acknowledge and observe your actions/reactions. Do your best to simply observe where you are at. You can ask yourself:
Are you sad/anger/confused/scared/lonely today or in this moment?
What makes you feel better?
What makes you feel worse?
What brings you some peace?
What were you doing when you felt totally present?
If we do not stop to observe and ask, we miss the opportunity to really know ourselves in these hard times. I invite you to get to know yourself in “sickness and health”, in happiness and sadness, in grief and in love. This is the practice of Swadhaya - self-study. It is a spiritual process, the biggest gift to not only ourselves, but the world at large. When we get to know ourselves we pave the way for others to do the same.
When we know ourselves, we know what our triggers are, we know when we need some space, we know when we need to reach out for support. There comes a time when we might feel that nudge to shift, to begin to invite healing. When that time comes and we have gotten to know ourselves, we may be guided to the paths of healing that suit us best; Yoga, Private Yoga Therapy, Holistic medicine, Medication, Therapy, reaching out to friends/family, exercise, nature, getting a pet, etc.
As we grieve together in this crisis, how much do you wish you could go walk into your Yoga studio and smell the scent of oils or incense and be in that moment like nothing else mattered. How badly do you want to sit with your loved one that you're not quarantined with and hug them and listen to them and watch them speak, in the flesh. How about these moments now: your time alone, or your time in nature, or with your work, or with your children. How present are you now? Are you truly seeing it for what it is. Have you given yourself space so that you are able to?
So the invite is simple - not easy, to be aware, to observe. To practice seeing - really seeing; yourself and the world around you. Closing your eyes and observing your inner self. Try practice observing first with no decisions or conclusions, or solutions. Just open eyes and open heart. When years go by and you look back on these tough times, it could be a blur and that would be OK - or it could be a time where you gathered useful information about you, your inner workings, a time you really observed and were awake and alive. Yes - alive- after all, suffering is what binds us earthlings.
{{ Sending prayers to those who are sick, who lost a loved one, who are worried, who are in situations that don’t allow for the opportunity for self-observation, who are busy working keeping our planet going, and more - I see you <3}}
Best wishes,
Amy